Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Cancer is Selfish


Here's why- this brief pathetic rundown of a typical day:

Appointment for MRI spinal scan and bloodwork, call health care system to deliver next month's tube feeding supplies before they run out. Call to see if the results came back from the testing place and to see if Doctor X's MA had received them. Run to bathroom. Call pharmacy to see if prescriptions have been called in , price and pickup time. Call for a ride to go to pharmacy and pick up medical records to go to Oncologist.

Flush PEG Tube and take steroid to prevent inflammation. Run to bathroom. Time for pain medication and anti-nausea. Call advocate and let him know how this week is going. Fatigue? Nausea? Anemic? Swollen ankles and knees make it hard to get a walk in. Low blood pressure. High blood pressure. Hangin' in there- talk to you next week. Schedule physical therapy for next week. Google calendar updates. Check E-mail for responses. Search for side effects of erbitux. Run to bathroom. Do I have time to go outside and play with you my beautiful godson? Not today, feeling tired,let's see if tomorrow works out better. Call back from chemotherapy infusion- all set for next week-schedule changed. Run to bathroom.

Cancer is selfish. There is rarely a minute that passes that does not include an 'I' thought about preparing, medicating or following up on the treatment for cancer in the course of a day. Hey, it's different for everybody, even those diagnosed with the exact same type of cancer- each one reacts based on their own genetics and physiology. The whole practice is so 'me' oriented that it is embarrassing. Not keeping up means more suffering for those around you who love you and the shell being wracked with this disgusting disease. 

Telling you this only to frame the absolute gratefulness and love I have for those who sacrifice daily to care for me. They stand in relief from the background of a 'me' oriented world as they are the foundation and resource of life on an hourly basis. Having family and friends who love and care for you is one of the most important weapons in battling cancer. I cannot express enough love and gratitude for my lovely life partner and best friend D whose beautiful strength and patience has made me appreciate her in new ways. To my brothers from other mothers who carry the day and my skinny ass from place to place and to the fam who rocks all the support one could wish for. The understanding provided by my 'home team' is the reason you are reading this today. So today, is a quiet battle to rest from all the chemo, blood work, MRI scans, shuttling to and from the hospital and med tech centers and to appreciate others. Good not to forget myself for awhile and take joy in the warm human kindness of those who have love and compassion in their souls.

Cancer Resource Links to Check Out

The Psiplex Platform 58 photo slideshow - Staying creative!

Kick Rocks!

One Love


  1. Well thought out and well articulated my friend!! D sounds like a wonderful woman. Rock this thing out my brotha!

  2. You are a brave man and I feel humble to know you.
    I hope I am not out of my place to ask; do you do time regression to the time of your youth, to get in touch with the feeling of total physical health and strength?
    Some time when we are sick we get overwhelmed with the feeling of sickness and forget how it feels to be in perfect health. It is good to remember that feeling :)
    Once again forgive my intrusion.
    All of my love to you!

  3. Hey Buddha! No intrusion my friend-no offense taken. Honestly and it may sound vain or weird but this battle with cancer has taught me to just shut up and accept what is. The 'me' that was once a dude knows as Alan is gone. I have awakened to the fact that there is no control or power that 'I' have. Just trusting all to grace and mercy from the Absolute. It is like how Lao-tzu in the Tao Te Ching mentions becoming like water and not resisting. There is nothing I have power over to do anything, control anything or want what is not in the present moment. As a big time coward in most cases, this is liberating and has changed so much in life for the better. No future to worry over, no past to condemn, no 'self' to be injured by words, it's all a gift of grace. This is all very personal and understandably hard to fathom outside the experience, so apologies for sounding mystical, deluded and nonchalant. The greatest power is love and seeking it through self inquiry has made everything bearable. I just like to use the blog as a jumping off point to make some pointings toward the whole enchalada of self inquiry. Who Am I? What Am I? What is the path and purpose for this life? All I know is, that if you can give love, receive love and experience love without labeling it, you have complete your circle. I remain ever open for discussion and sharing of anything you want to ask. No, not using regression to go back to the past for strength. Staying in the present NOW to completely surrender the false sense of self and discover what I am not. Remaining grateful and thankful for each new day supplied by grace beyond all comprehension.

    One Love Buddha!

  4. X-Ray's family is praying for you!

    ~Mabel (Gainor) ;-)

  5. Thanks for sharing your experience here. I so deeply appreciate your ability (or at least intention) to look into yourself and simply surrender to the moment, to the magic of whatever is. Today on my blog I wrote,

    "In the moment, my experience is that if we are present to it, fully attending to it in a simple way, that everything appears beautiful, everything. I know you may try to come up with examples to the contrary, and perhaps their are caveats, but perhaps not." You are more proof to me in the perhaps not.

    Deeply appreciative of you and your efforts/teaching.



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