Friday, May 23, 2008

The Emperor's New Throat

One of the truly annoying side effects of cancer radiation on my neck was the toll it took on my throat, voice and salivary glands. As I slowly paddle out of the rip-tide of treatments, my croaky voice and choked up throat are in need of some healing. If you didn't know it was me calling you on the phone, you would think I was somebody's drunk grandfather. Slurring and hoarsely attempting to dialogue, I sound more like a prank caller than an actual dude trying to say what what.
Oh it will pass, but for a minute, I'm going to confuse a whole lot of folks with this disguise. If I didn't know what I was saying, I couldn't pick up enough whispered syllables to comprehend direction or intent. Especially after the long, tortured dust-dry coughs between barely audible words. What comes across is a vulgar sort of neo-geezerism. The poor medical assistant at my doctors struggled through my heinous rasp-o-phone yesterday. Bless her, she finally figured it out. I really appreciate the patience of others in these croaky chokey times.

I am imbibing Magic Mouthwash to soothe and cool my lava-fired pipes. The MM is supposed to ease the feelings of razor blades and barbed wire that describes my esophageal lining. That's what I was calling the doctors for, some kind of relief for the wildfire and pinched pipes. The charred remnants of my once golden tones will return some bright sunny day, but now them tubes are stone dry, snake scaly and zombified. I used to do commercial voice-over work. Glad I don't have to put bread on the table now with my scuttled squawker.

Now it's me, the morning and a little Magic Mouthwash to start the day off right. To those about to choke, I salute you!

You can always e-mail or text, just don't have me call you on your shiny Curve or iPhone with this franken-voice. Wouldn't mind hearing your comments though!

Checking e-bay now for an emperors' new throat with refurbished pipes and warbler. Wonder how much to ship it overnight?

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