This morning's news of the passing of George Carlin has left me pondering a few things about life courtesy of the comedic genius. Throughout all of my teen years and adult life, Carlin shadowed the mainstream with his own brand of critical insight and comedic philosophy.
Never one to follow, he forged his own path to his view of the world and made a lot of us the more wiser. Carlin, for me, promoted a healthy questioning of staid ideals and foreshadowed a more potent form of empowerment- humor. From his raunchy comedy forays in his HBO specials to his voicing of the children's cartoon Thomas the Tank Engine, Carlin never failed to deliver an astounding array of agility in working with and without the system. I hope to retain his ability to question and self-observe as well as remain creative in complexity as he had. He will be missed.
Monday, June 23, 2008
The Passing of George Carlin
Friday, June 20, 2008
Why I am Wasting Your Timelessness
Each and every day, someone or something is vying for your attention. From your family, co-workers and buds, to every single electronic device spewing some form of ad pollution, all want your undivided attention. If you are like me, you only have so much you can give or tolerate for that matter. Your attention, you see, is the complete focused energy of your being. It is usually reserved for those life situations that make up your personal and professional waking moments. Your family, co-workers and buds are given more attention real estate, like beachfront real estate than the common interruptions of ads and folks trying to chit chat on the Metro. With the ginormous amount of blah blowing over you in billows, it can get pretty tiring by the end of the day when you turn off the box as the last ad for beer or male enhancement makes its pitch for your bloodshot consideration. Before you know it, bedtime is upon you, your day spent, your attention 4 sheets to the wind.
All this means is that the real you, not the necktie guy in the company newsletter, the makeup applying Chica in the rearview mirror or the photobombed student is scattered, battered and about to hulk out. Reason? With all the time we have separated out into little plots of 'to do', there is rarely time to be with yourself in your time and your place. When you can get there, this is your timelessness. Timelessnes is where good memories are made and spread around like fresh baked chocolate chip cookies, where you are connected to people who wish you health and life, where the inner you, the real you is at peace.
The next time I come at you with drivel about something that is essentially irrelevant in your space of awareness, I am, in essence wasting your timelessness. I am not engaging you, I am jacking your attention away from something more meaningful-your life. Family, co-workers and buds and the relentless marketers are all just waiting for the opportunity to pimp some new tumor on your timelessness. You have to decide who gets in the door to share the cookies with.
Simply knowing this is happening is a good start to better care and feeding of your timelessness. You can start building up your awareness of yourself anytime you want, like right after the last song on your playlist after you finish adding a friend to MeatSpace. Stop twittering for long enough to go timeless!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Please Don't Bother Me
On my morning walk with the moon sinking into dawn, I was contemplating the journey thus far. Walking for me, is the perfect time to loosen the moorings from conventional day to day business and aim for something just outside my circle of averageness. It's fun trying to just be open and let the universe drop something in for a change.
This morning, I noticed a young man approaching from the other direction. He is probably in his early twenties, black shirt, jeans, ear buds in place along with a nervous energy and commitment to avoid any contact. As in the past I speak to him “Good Morning!”, and wave to him in case his audio is set to block unwanted earthlings. His response is to scurry along faster, eyes averted as if he were about to be accosted. He gives no response.
Couldn't help but think how avoiding interaction could be a mode that we adopt when external stimulus is just too much to take. I wondered if we ever get over that or is that a bed we have to lie in. People change for the better and for the worst. It's good to be on the path to where your journey is and recognize it is a journey.
Are you an avoider or an engager?
One Love
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Identifying With Your Cancer
In posting experiences to the Psiplex Blog, I often mention for new readers that I am battling and surviving head and neck cancer. I am, in some fashion apprising others of a condition. But is that all there is to it, or is there more? In speaking with other cancer survivors as well as responding on forums like CancerCompass and Caring4Cancer I see a lot of patients/survivors phrase their experience by saying: 'my breast cancer', 'my throat cancer', or 'my cancer journey'. What does this really mean? Are these folks and myself identifying with cancer as to say I and my cancer are one and the same'? In a way, we, as human beings often need to associate with something bigger than ourselves. This depends on what stage of life and maturity you are in at the moment, but it is a fact. For example, we can associate the work we do to earn an income with the larger organization we work with. If I make my living as a residential realtor, I may identify myself with the parent company who makes hundreds of millions of dollars per year. I may associate my self with a larger organized entity in my beliefs, vocation and personal interests. I may not see myself as a single lonely web developer, but as a part of a larger web developer community that is well respected. It seems to be a hallmark of our nature and our egos to be a part of something bigger and perhaps more 'meaningful'. Hey, I'm a card-carrying member of [insert your organization here], my friend. These days, I am trying to be careful not to equate my identity with my cancer battle and survivorship. The part of me creating music and graphics is not my cancer, so I have clarity to separate the effect from the cause.
What aspect of your cancer journey are you really linked to? Has the ordeal itself somehow become you? With cancer or any other life threatening illness, is this mentally and spiritually healthy? From my personal viewpoint, this is not a good way to go and here's why: I do not believe my illness or my physical condition is the essential 'me'. Huh? I do not believe the pattern of cells making up my physical human form is my energy, that is, my life energy. May sound a bit like new age spew, but think about it, the state of your physical form at 18, 29, 45, 60, 80 is not the same. The 'me' you are in at this moment as you read this will change fundamentally in 20 years. Are you still 'me'? A part of you will be, a part of you will not be. Your container, your beautifully fit, tanned, well groomed and well cared for outer 'me' at the peak of your physicality will not be nearly the same at age 77. No kiddin'. Neither will your much vaunted (and maybe over-valued) brain. Are either of these cell-based entities the real you? I freaking hope not. Well, neither is your cancer or life threatening disease, or the mole on your chin. They just aren't you! The thoughts, beliefs and emotions you schlep around with each day contribute to your identity you have of your 'me' and your view of what others say about the you they believe is you adds to this 'me'.
Conformist, no-conformist, corporate rock star, geek girl optima, mad hatter or button-down cubicle droid, our portable exterior 'me' chunks are only the external manifestations of what we and others bolt on to it. The portable exterior 'me' can be influenced by your perception and what you allow others to bolt on. It takes another kind of journey to find out this is not so. Are you identifying with your cancer or are you going further in your inward journey to discover the 'ah-ha' moment?
Set your ego aside and let me know what you come up with. I'll set mine aside to humbly and quietly listen.
One Love
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Paying for Cancer Care: Caring 4 Cancer and News
It's been a wonderful week in getting the Graphic Flux Design Challenge in motion. Today, however, I wanted to get back to some important cancer information and links to share with everyone.
Paying for cancer care can be financially devastating. Along with the diagnosis, this one-two punch can severely restrict individuals and families and clobber them right when they need the most support. 
There is a wonderfully helpful web site called Caring 4 Cancer that is a good starting point to learn about the physical, emotional and financial aspects of diagnosis, treatment and survivorship. Being able to learn how to go about your cancer care is laid out in easy to digest sections with more detail added as you go further into each section. For example, in my case, I look up 'Head and Neck Cancer' and find a general description of the cancer and I can click to learn more in depth information. Nice and simple.
As for the Financial Support section, there is a concise layout for understanding the steps necessary to confront the cost of dealing with cancer. The sections are:
• Navigating the Payment Maze
• The Basics of Insurance
• Understanding Managed Care
• Understanding Medicaid
• Understanding Medicare
• Help with Medical Costs
• 2 eNewsletter subscriptions
Most families impacted by a love ones' cancer diagnosis will have to deal with the financial and insurance-relate aspects of the treatment. Pleas let me know if I can add other links and information by commenting.
Cancer News
One of the web sites I have come to use on a daily basis is Cancer Compass. Just noticed their Cancer News had an interesting article on HPV and its link to cancer. My ENT (ear nose and throat specialist) as well as my Radiology Oncologist strongly suggested HPV as a major cause in newer diagnosis of the type of cancer I am battling. My ENT said that acid reflux, in all likelihood, was the cause of my tumor on the base of my tongue. I was shocked as I never really felt like I had heartburn or anything, but following his suggestions and looking further into it, I agree with his prognosis. As a result I am taking Prevacid Solutabs to manage the acid in my stomach. The HPV findings are a real eye opener in the cancer community and my Radiology Oncologist shared that with me on my last visit. They are extremely interested in pursuing all related research to confirm HPV as a major cause on developing cancer. You can read more about the latest news at Cancer Compass and the article “Researchers Blame Hpv For Rise In Throat Cancer” HPV and cancer.
While the ongoing Graphics Flux Design Challenge is a creative blast, I want to continue offering other cancer-related information to you as well as creative and artistic offerings. Have a fun weekend! One Love.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
The Graphic Flux June Graphic Design Challenge
Front Design Only - No back
In every month's round, we will set a new graphic design task for the participants. We think that different theme challenge in monthly time line set would encourage you to stay creative with more challenging task.
We will choose the blog host every month to showcase all the entries. If you are a Blog Catalog user, and has been actively involved in our group called Blog Catalog Graphic Design Group, then your chance to be chosen as the host blog for this project should be more. As we announce the new monthly round task, give yourself time to design as what will be described in Graphic Identity blog or the host Blog! We think that monthly round timeline should give all the participants to design and relax into pure creative time.Create your graphic design based on the theme’s format and rules. When you are finished with your design, just post it in your blog and don’t forget to link back to the chosen host blog and to the Graphic Flux announcement post on the host blog itself. If you are not a blogger, you can always write a guest post about your submission design on my blog or your friend’s blog. Describe your design process tricks and tips or just share the story of why you come up with your design.
We will notice that you are in the game, by contacting to the Graphic Flux blog host of the month via email or post a comment to the Graphic Flux announcement post and include:
The deadline for each entry submission would be in the date of 30th every month. Once the submissions are in, the host blog will pick some of the best designs and showcase them on a round up post in the following month. You are allowed to contribute only one design per project/site. You can submit to this blog to Psiplex, the hosting site for this month at: grfx303@gmail.com or, if you use Flickr, you can submit to this public link: http://www.flickr.com/groups/734253@N25/ Just click the add photos or video link to add your submission.
What You Will Get from This Blogging Project
• We like the idea of staying connected to each other’s blog. Which are you probably have done it by commenting on a someone’s blog post, subscribing to a blog, or many things that you can do to get involved in everyone’s blog. Well this collective blogging activity would somehow connect you in more unique way :D
• You can learn new tips and techniques from other blogger mates who have joined this blogging project.
Showcase your design work in a growing community and having a chance to let people find out more about you.
• You will get more related back links and of course: Link Love. By the end of the month, Graphic Identity blog will give the link love to all the participants of this graphic design project in a monthly round up post. Graphic Identity Blog now has received PR 5, so please use this benefit and submit your entry!
Friday, June 6, 2008
The Mirror Effect
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Slow Progress, Steady Gains
After hitting the two week mark after concluding radiation therapy for head and neck cancer, I have a few things to share. As readers of this blog know, my battle with head and neck cancer has been documented here from diagnosis to the surgery, chemotherapy and radiation therapy I underwent to eradicate cancer. The main idea I want to impart to folks battling cancer and their family and friends is that progress is slow. Sometimes maddeningly slow. It has to be measured in day-to-day increments, and sometime hourly progress. I say this because the discomfort levels due to treatment and the cancer itself can make it tough to get through the night and day. Folks who are undergoing cancer treatment will attest to the fact that the imbalances caused by chemotherapy, radiation and surgery can really affect the immune system and the overall healing process.
At the two past radiation milestone, I feel a slow return of functionality and strength. Weight gain is still slow. I started out two weeks ago at 137 lbs. but have gained a few pounds and am now hovering around 140 lbs. My natural weight is around 153 lbs. I have been walking each day since the end of radiation in the early morning to gain balance, strength and to help flush the chemicals from my body. I am up to about ¼ mile and feel fatigued afterward, but satisfied. The walking is strengthening my legs and endurance promoting better sleep and giving me a sense of purpose in my survivorship. Each day is getting slightly easier, and the walking pace is picking up a bit. Definitely recommend walking as a part of recovery. Exercising moderately will help to build muscle tone and eventually, bone marrow that will strengthen the immune system.
Still dealing with the mouth sores and dry mouth which prevents eating real food in a normal fashion. One excellent blog article on dry mouth, called xerostomia, written by Tina Radcliffe is useful in understanding the symptoms and management of dry mouth. Good tips on self care and eating foods that won't exacerbate the situation. For me, a vanilla milkshake mixed with instant breakfast works because of the added protein and the soothing coolness of fresh milk and ice cream. I can tolerate scrambled eggs pretty well and cottage cheese. I don't recommend a lot of dairy, but at this point, gaining weight and adding protein is important for my recovery. Skin care involves applying a lot of aloe-based lotion and regular skin moisturizer to the areas hit by the radiation treatment. This involves covering a larger area the lotion due to the radiation using exit points and spreading the inflammation. I use the aloe about 3 times per day. If I am going outside in the hot Atlanta summer weather, I use plenty of sunscreen. Getting a sunburn on the radiation areas is not an option and is to be avoided. Additionally, getting plenty of water and staying hydrated is important for a lot of obvious reasons.
I would be happy to answer any questions regarding radiation therapy recovery and my experience. You can post your comments and experiences here to share with others.
One Love
Monday, June 2, 2008
Graphic Flux – Collective Graphic Design Blogging Project
Posted by Graphic Identity:
It was started from a small discussion with graphic designer friends who are also bloggers, I have an idea to set a collective graphic design blogging activity. An event that I hope will be continuously persist in every month and growing.
The main objective is to showcase everyone skills and talent in graphic design. The submission entries don’t have to appear like somewhat of professional graphic designer can do. They can be a process of a newbie experiment to learn advance technique...anything that will express your sense of art in graphic design or simple stuff that has developed from creativity.
Graphic Flux is the title of this Collective Graphic Design Project and it was first brought by Psiplex.com. We hope that this collective blogging project will dynamically visualized your graphic design as we are calling out more and more graphic designers or everyone who has big passion to graphic design to get involved into this project.
What to Do?
In every month round, we will set a new graphic design task for the participants. We think that different theme challenge in monthly time line set would encourage you to stay creative with more challenging task.
We will choose the blog host every month to showcase all the entries. If you are a Blog Catalog user, and has been actively involved in our group called Blog Catalog Graphic Design Group, then your chance to be chosen as the host blog for this project should be more.
As we announce the new monthly round task, give yourself time to design as what will be described in Graphic Identity blog or the host Blog! We think that monthly round timeline should give all the participants to design and relax into pure creative time.
Create your graphic design based on the theme’s format and rules.
When you are finished with your design, just post it in your blog and don’t forget to link back to the chosen host blog and to the Graphic Flux announcement post on the host blog itself. If you are not a blogger, you can always write a guest post about your submission design on my blog or your friend’s blog.
Describe your design process tricks and tips or just share the story of why you come up with your design.
We will notice that you are in the game, by contacting to the Graphic Flux blog host of the month via email or post a comment to the Graphic Flux announcement post (depends on the announcement rules set by the host blog) and include:
1. Your name
2. Your blog name and URL
3. Your design post permalink
The deadline for each entry submission would be in the date of 30th every month. Once the submissions are in, the host blog will pick some of the best designs and showcase them on a round up post in the following month.
You are allowed to contribute only one design per project/site.
What You Will Get from This Blogging Project
• We like the idea of staying connected to each other’s blog. Which are you probably have done it by commenting on a someone’s blog post, subscribing to a blog, or many things that you can do to get involved in everyone’s blog. Well this collective blogging activity would somehow connect you in more unique way :D
• You can learn new tips and techniques from other blogger mates who have joined this blogging project.
Showcase your design work in a growing community and having a chance to let people find out more about you.
• You will get more related back links and of course: Link Love. By the end of the month, Graphic Identity blog will give the link love to all the participants of this graphic design project in a monthly round up post. Graphic Identity Blog now has received PR 5, so please use this benefit and submit your entry when we launch this project next week!
The Blog Host for this collective project is already chosen, and that would be Psiplex.com. While we gather more participants within a week, kindly subscribe to Graphic Identity blog Feed to hear the next update about the project task for the June’s round.
Music as a Resource
While working through recovery, music has been a wonderful resource for inspiration, sanity and fun. From recent music favorites like German minimal and techno artist Ellen Allien to standbys Bob Marley, Stephen and Damian Jr. Gong Marley, I have put together a playlist at Songza that is working for me. If you are interested in hearing my recent playlist, you can get the RSS feed and experience the tunes yourself or start your own playlist to share.
You can also view my YouTube playlist to see videos of some of my favorite artists. Would be great to see and share your favorites!
Let me know how you use music to deal with complexity and aid in your fight with cancer and wellness. What music drives you? What music makes you more creative?
Hopng to post some more original music very soon. In the meantime, you can check out my original track, Ching Theory.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Face It. Fight It. Survive It.
Throughout my battle with cancer, I have come to the conclusion that there really are only two possible decisions I could have made when I received my diagnosis. Back in December of 2007, I was told about the head and neck cancer along with the rough road I would take in order to survive. At this point, I was faced with basically halting everything that was in motion and laying it all down to fight for my life.
The two choices I had to plot the rest of my time here on the planet was to give up or find the will to fight cancer. Thinking about my family, the decision was a simple one- I was not going out without a fight. That is what is so important to new patients getting diagnosed with head and neck or other cancer. You have to fight for your loved ones, family, friends and colleagues. Giving up is not an option. It is not an easy decision to make, but you will never regret fighting as it gives you more time with the treasure we have here on earth, the love we have in our families and friends. As I found out, nothing I owned, lost, earned or gave up is worth more than the love you have for your family, their love for you and the blessing of true, good friends.
The first few days were tough, the rest of them tougher. The fight plan I had included staying creative doing what I loved- graphic design and creating electronic music. Many days, I was simply too tore up to participate, but I tried to at least have fun, think about the creative process (which kept me from thinking too much about the side effects) and generally, stay positive. My family were like angels who had a safety net open for me and kept me in the fight. It was nothing I did for myself physically, it was the momentum of caring supplied by my Home Team that made each day bearable, livable and one for the survivor books. I will be glad to answer any questions you may have regarding any of this, I realize this is all very generic and vague, so please send along your questions or other dialogue.
The fight during cancer treatment for me was just as simple as a daily effort in overcoming nausea, dizziness, shortness of breath, chemo brain constipation, diarrhea, not being able to swallow, mucositis, dry mouth, scratchy throat, no saliva, pain, no appetite, weight loss, hair loss, some neurological issues and other nasties with my surgery. It wasn't an epic battle at dawn with Megatron but a daily, if not hourly overcoming of the nasties. That's it. I fought from my bed and chair with a bunch of meds and as much nutrition as I could get down. No Transformer weapons of light sabres, just a daily commitment to Face It. Fight It. Survive It. For me, that's been enough. Day by day it gets better and I get a bit stronger. I wish all the other fighters and survivors strength and courage in their battle! Have a great weekend!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Love Continues to Beat the Clock
Some poetry I wrote to start the day:
A guitar drone
a cylinder pulled
from a ticking machine
reminders that time
drips and seeps between
the cracks of
eyelids drying on
sidewalks
to grit
The love and moments of connection we have with our family, lovers and dearest friends are alive in a timeless and eternal part of life that is beyond time. While this may be perceived as memory, I have to believe that the energy of these connections in which love is the guiding force, continues. They are moments out of time and beyond it. What we share in sincerity, honesty and love cannot be tied to a clock or calendar. We can take these memories with us to our last days and they remain as fresh and alive as the moment they blessed our lives. Time as a way to mark hours and years is relevant for a body's work, but not for spirits whose love lives on in life.
How do you see your love continuing? Do you think love is bound by time like everything else?
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
New Music Track- Ching Theory
Monday, May 26, 2008
Summer Refresh at Psiplex
The new logo is based on having a more identifiable online presence as well as representing the Psiplex concept in a less abstract way. The two combined forms of the letter 'P' show balance but at an angle that suggest movement- kind of like moving through complexity to get to your goal.
Friday, May 23, 2008
6 Key Points On Personal Struggle
Anyone confronting a large enough life change is going to have to do some life arranging. Nothing will teach you more about your core than a life changing fight. In health, in business, in family matters in sport, struggles make the person, the battle, the war. Here are six key takeaways about what personal struggle can teach you.
6. We're All Mental. When it comes to struggle, we all have our mental capabilities to pass the test. Whether you choose a fight or a fight chooses you, you are only human. Your mental attitude toward the struggle will beat you into the dirt or you will emerge to fight another day. The mental aspect leaves you clear enough to gauge the situation and overcome it. Too much mental anguish defeats you, not enough mental mettle causes fear and defeat. Up to you.
5. Call For Backup. The love and support of family and friends never fails. Getting through a struggle means circling the wagons and bringing in supportive people that know you, understand you and believe in your success with no reservations. No shame in asking for help- it makes you stronger.
4. Creation. Staying creative in the complexity of struggle is a testament to #6 and #3. Your ability to remain adaptive and open to solutions, even if they seem far fetched, gives you a whole new set of tools to win. Sometimes, you just have to invent a solution and pave your own road.
3. Evolution. Being able to stretch past your former or present boundaries means changing who you are a little or a lot. A struggle presents you with a 50/50 chance of getting beat or working hard enough to win the struggle.
The little steps you take toward winning eventually pile up and you evolve into the mindset of a winner. The struggles themselves do not cease, your ability to rise above them does. Little steps=eventual success.
2. You Have to Walk That Road All By Yourself. At age 12, sitting with my Dad in our basement, talking about his career as a carpenter, he gave me this bit of wisdom. He tended to work about 70 hours a week in hard Norther Pennsylvania winters and summers. Physical labor, privation, long commutes to job sites and dealing with all sorts of characters made him one tough hombre. He turned to me and said he couldn't fight my battles for me. Not that he wouldn't or did not care to, but in life, it was up to me to face my struggles. Point taken and never forgotten.
1. Stay On Offense But Survive. In survival mode, you are not taking ground, you are in most likelihood, giving ground to survive. Do what the game plan calls for, survive by all means, but get in there and take some ground.
Share your thoughts and experiences with struggle- I would like to see some inspiration. Have a safe and fun holiday!
The Emperor's New Throat
One of the truly annoying side effects of cancer radiation on my neck was the toll it took on my throat, voice and salivary glands. As I slowly paddle out of the rip-tide of treatments, my croaky voice and choked up throat are in need of some healing. If you didn't know it was me calling you on the phone, you would think I was somebody's drunk grandfather. Slurring and hoarsely attempting to dialogue, I sound more like a prank caller than an actual dude trying to say what what.
Oh it will pass, but for a minute, I'm going to confuse a whole lot of folks with this disguise. If I didn't know what I was saying, I couldn't pick up enough whispered syllables to comprehend direction or intent. Especially after the long, tortured dust-dry coughs between barely audible words. What comes across is a vulgar sort of neo-geezerism. The poor medical assistant at my doctors struggled through my heinous rasp-o-phone yesterday. Bless her, she finally figured it out. I really appreciate the patience of others in these croaky chokey times.
I am imbibing Magic Mouthwash to soothe and cool my lava-fired pipes. The MM is supposed to ease the feelings of razor blades and barbed wire that describes my esophageal lining. That's what I was calling the doctors for, some kind of relief for the wildfire and pinched pipes. The charred remnants of my once golden tones will return some bright sunny day, but now them tubes are stone dry, snake scaly and zombified. I used to do commercial voice-over work. Glad I don't have to put bread on the table now with my scuttled squawker.
Now it's me, the morning and a little Magic Mouthwash to start the day off right. To those about to choke, I salute you!
You can always e-mail or text, just don't have me call you on your shiny Curve or iPhone with this franken-voice. Wouldn't mind hearing your comments though!
Checking e-bay now for an emperors' new throat with refurbished pipes and warbler. Wonder how much to ship it overnight?
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
All Things New
The grueling, long. shadowy road of the main cancer treatments are over. The first day of the rest of my days begins this day. Slept quite badly with the lingering mucositis/phlegm nastiness from the radiation therapy and dry gulch sandpaper throat. Lovely, I must admit. That bit of discomfort melts in favor of todays sunrise. This is the first day of real recovery. No chemo infusion, no radiation, no surgeries to attend horizontally and comatose, no trips to hospital admissions and the army of coughing people. No blood pressure cuffs, no tongue dispensers, no probing, IV's, nausea medication, no checking the calendar for which doctor appointment at which office.
Instead, in the cool May Atlanta morning, I ventured outside with my skinny legs to walk and breathe the fine air of freedom from treatment and celebrate recovery. A stroll in the early morning sunrise with the sounds of Atlanta commuting for their daily bread. The birds sung me home to enjoy some private time with you. I blended up a fine breakfast shake of vanilla ice cream, vanilla instant breakfast, fresh, cold milk, with a cup of mixed fruit. Freedom is indeed sweet.
I am thankful for all of those good people who directed my path to this day. There's a lot of thanksgiving ahead.
One Love
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Cancer Radiation Mask
It's a war souvenir. A lightweight plastic mesh mask that I used for 44 days undergoing radiation therapy for head and neck cancer. Each morning, I wore this mask so that the radiation treatment could precisely target my cancer. Starting off as a flat sheet, the meshed surface was run under hot water and applied to my face. The mask hardened into the shape you see in the image. You can make out the profile of my face contour at the top of the picture where the neck and chin starts at the left . The mask is fitted with clamps that bolt to the treatment table so each treatment can be targeted precisely to the individual. It also keeps you from moving and screwing up the treatment session. See photos of the radiation treatment mask.
Today, I brought it home with me to show what this part of the cancer treatment is like for others who may be needing it.
At this juncture of the treatment, there is light at end of the funnel. At first, I couldn't see an end to the series of chemo, surgeries and radiation treatments. It was like a big upside down funnel over my life blackening the sun. As the treatments progressed, the funnel righted itself and I began to see cracks of daylight streaming through the top. Today, I have passed a milestone. The funnel is getting out of the way and the blue sky and sun are kicking in.
Today, the radiation treatment is complete. Forty-four days of it. Now I have a war souvenir to remind me of the ordeal. Now the real recovery begins.
Monday, May 19, 2008
The Other Side of Midnight
Surviving your own stupidity and the apathy of others teaches that there is more to life than a false bravado and a reputation for being a rock star. Life is less about what is printed than the imprint we make. Win or fail, we eventually find out it is far better to find healing and move away from darkness and our own sense of invincibility.
While we are capable of sustaining enormous amounts of bodily abuse, there is no purpose in pursuing the glorification of self to this end. Awareness of our capabilities should be tempered with our duty to our loved ones and those who need our help. An act of sincere kindness toward another living thing is a step in the right direction. You could gain some wisdom in return.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
All Business Plus
During the last six months of learning I had head and neck cancer, I am recounting how all the key caregivers along the way have guided me toward beating the disease and surviving the treatments. Not to bore you with the details in past posts of the ordeal, there were some life changing adaptations that took place. The most memorable of the bits and bobs of the entire treatment process were the series of professional caregivers, doctors and nurses, oncologists and med techs I encountered. I really remember each and everyone of the people who aided in my battle. In my estimation, there were primarily two kinds of folks: All Business and All Business Plus.
The All Business people were just that. I remember my first confrontation with the diagnosis (I fainted). The All Business oral surgeon who did the biopsy knew within 2 minutes of examining the x-rays and looking at my tongue that I had squamous cell carcinoma (SCC). Being the All Business type-he told me directly in a no B.S. fashion (much appreciated in hindsight) what I had. This lead me to another wonderful doctor who is an ear, nose and throat surgeon specializing in head and neck cancer. Another All Business type, he told me that I could be looking at a complete tongue removal, neck surgery (radical neck dissection to remove the cancerous lymph nodes) and chemotherapy. I didn't faint. My resolve at this point was to fight like a tiger for every hour, day and month I could get. This doctor performed an incredible operation with the neck dissection that left me with a lot more nerves and feelings in my back, shoulders, arms, face and neck than expected. Clean and almost bloodless, his incredible skill had me on the fast track to healing. His All Business approach was a lifesaver. He also has a pretty cool sense of humor and busted my stones fairly regularly- Upgrade to All Business Plus. As it turns out, the chemotherapy shrunk my tongue SCC enough so that I could keep it.
The next step was to meet with the gastrointestinal specialist who inserted my feeding tube (PEG Tube). She was wonderfully humorous and is definitely an All Business Plus. She made the process very smooth and prepared me for when I couldn't at due to chemo and radiation therapy.
The PEG tube itself was fine, but I had a harsh reaction to having a cold nutrition supplement to drink when I returned home. Apparently, drinking something cold right after the surgery was a bad move. Back to the emergency room and another hospital stay. The folks in the EMT were all business. The folks at the emergency room were dolts and left me in pain for almost an hour. I could hear nurses and doctors and med tech walking around outside this hole of a room for the entire hour chatting joking and generally in no hurry. All the while I was doubled over and nearly passing out from pain. Maybe a third category is needed here- Epic Fail. Yeah, these buttnuggets were the worst of it. Bad dispositions, bad work ethic, I-don't -have-to-care-because-they're-not-paying-me-enough-to-care 'tudes really ruined my day. Saved by the gastro surgeon who put me right once more.
Back to the oral surgeon for teeth extraction so the radiation can proceed smoothly. All Business! The preparation for the next stage was set.
The chemo oncologist and his staff were wonderful. All Business Plus kudos for the way they handled my initial crazy situation and for taking me through the treatment with confidence and professionalism. My initial reaction to the chemo sent me to the emergency room for what appeared to be a heart attack / heart muscle damage caused by the 5-FU chemotherapy drug.
Turns out my heart was fine, but the reaction to the 5-FU mimicked the heart damage. The EMT folks who slung me into the ambulance were All Business. The triage emergency room folks were too. The first set of emergency room goons get the Epic Fail again. After another ordeal with bufoonery, I met a new set of Epic Fail buttnuggets the first night. As I was throwing up every 10 minutes and shivering uncontrollably, I lost the feeling in my arms and couldn't walk. I was in such misery, I wished I was dead. There were two rude-ass nurses. One was a ginormous, hideous crone that must have had a relative in HR. No way could she have got through the hiring process with that level of inhumanity. Why they scheduled her to help ER patients in severe pain, I'll never know. She was reported and reprimanded and the rest of stay was really helpful and good. The caregivers that cared for me the week in ICU were All Business Plus. They genuinely cared about me and were very, very kind. They went out of their way to check on me and give me hope for recovery when I was skin, bones and bad attitude.
After this came the insertion of my chest port. The surgeon was All Business- nice enough fellow, just didn't say a whole lot.
Back to the chemotherapy folks- can't say enough good things here. From the techs who drew blood to the rest of the staff- All Business Plus.
The next group were the home care nurses- All Business Plus. They genuinely cared about how I was doing and made themselves available for my calls anytime I needed some solution or had a question.
The radiology doctor is All Business Plus. Great sense of humor and a no BS approach. The staff at the radiation clinic is All Business. One young lady is super cool- a true All Business Plus. If it wasn't for her refreshing attitude and sunny smile and disposition, this part of the treatment would suck really hard. Her kind words of encouragement, ready smile and get it done attitude is the best I've seen in the entire process.
I didn't mention all the family and friends that contribute to my daily joy. I'll post more on them a bit later. They deserve some special love and maybe some medals for putting up with me. Go team!
What I learned from this experience is that some All Business people are really there for your own good. They may not smile or speak or act friendly all the time, but they are the key people who saved me from an early grave. As I was circling the drain with stage IV SCC in mid-December, 2007, I am now bouncing back a bit this third week of May and will continue to improve. The All Business folks really took care of business. The All Business Plus folks made this ordeal less nightmarish, less frightening and provided hope that one day, I would get through treatment and recover. While this is a life process, I can thank them for their support above and beyond the call. All it takes really, are some sincere kind words, a pat on the back and a joke to make a cancer patient's life a little better. For the Epic Fail buttnuggets, you need to know this now. You may one day be where I was- weak, broke, sick, stressed out and dying. Would you want you to be your care provider? Be kind, life is too short and too precious to muck up.
